RIP day with Mom

Mom got admitted to this hospital on 15th ,Sunday. I left from this place on Monday afternoon, by car…..wife was too much worried about me driving all the way to native place, alone, (she had one exam to give) that too with a not-so-good mindset (abt 650 km to hospital and 735 km to my home), and I usually drive very fast.

I felt like calling one of her (wife’s) cousins and within half an hour, he was ready to come with me, since he too wanted to visit somebody at his native place. Our destinations were different, but only a few kilometers away (may be abt 50). Thus 'traveling alone' part was well answered by Him. My ‘lost’ friend came back and was in touch with me, so felt like something which was heavy got melted. Thus, my mind was clearer.

Since I was supposed to give blood, I avoided continuous travel and hence stopped at mid night. Continued next day morning… dropped him on the way and reached hospital by noon/after noon (around 2 pm).

I wasn’t satisfied with the feed backs given by those who were with mom. So, I personally met the doc. He gave me an overall pic.

• She is chronic anemic
• There is internal bleeding which he don’t know why (he had plan to do some other test)
• Her both kidneys are ‘affected’
• Generally, she is very weak
• She was under malnutrition

I told him that I want to shift her from this hospital to my proper native place and he asked me to give him 3 more days for that.

I asked permission to see her (usually they wont allow visitors inside the Intensive Care Unit) and he granted. Even my sister could not see her till that day.

I saw her. From her look, it was very clear and obvious that she wanted to see me. Or was she waiting for me?

I stared at her and I felt like she won’t live longer. I just touched her hand. She said she feel sleepy and want to sleep. She closed her eyes, but I mentally wished her ‘Rest In Peace’. I don’t know why.

She did not die, she woke up next day (ie, 18th July 2007) or that’s what the hospital staff said. They asked my sister to bring tea for her. She brought. Hospital people said she asked for water and they gave.

But then the duty doc called me inside and took me to my mom. (Sister was again unlucky, she could not see her). She was in a different bed which had many equipments around. But she was bleeding from mouth. She vomited blood, better put. She looked unconscious and her pulse was very feeble. I was sure that she won’t survive, but asked the doc, ‘will she survive’? That lady doc, who was very young, was a lil tensed and she shook her head. I told her, ‘Its OK’.

I stood outside with sis and they called once again. This time sister also came with me. But the doc said ‘she left’. Me and my sister, both, did not cry. I went to that body and had a silent communication.

Death is the ultimate truth we can predict with 100% surety. Only thing is we don’t know when and how. But it happens and it finds some reason/reasons. When the soul finds that it can not use this body anymore, it leaves.

Mom, Rest In Peace !

thank YOU!

My mom passed away on 18th (July 2007)….. A sad moment…..And now I lost both my parents.

I just returned from my native place and am very tired….I wish to write something about mom. May be tomorrow….or may be day after tomorrow. …

Was God cruel to me?

I already was undergoing through a very bad mental state when mom got admitted to the hospital. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was under severe stress due to braking with a friend………………..

I asked that person ‘where are you when I needed you the most?’

She came back to me with a bang…..gave me every support I needed….though we were miles away, I felt her very presence…...she spent quality time with me….. I felt like I am not alone………

Man, I don’t know how to thank you, but please accept my thanks……Thanks a lot buddy, for all your support.

To those people who are waiting for the arrival of God, I used to tell, when you call for help, He answers ….. He won’t come to you as the way you think, and that’s why He has kept people around you………

Now we have the answer, HE wasn’t cruel at all ….

HE is all love and HE proved it once again…..thank YOU!

Sorry Doc!

I am not at all in a mood to post another one....

I just got a call from my native place...

My mom is in ICU..My sister's fone is dead.... and I am 650 k.m away....

Thank you doc for asking me to talk to HIM, when I dont have anybody to talk to....hope you will stand with me....

But sorry doc, I need one more tab..........

I slept well

I have a Friendster account. I happened to read some blogs written by some. Many of them had the ability to write well. I also noticed that some people stopped writing, though they were good at it. I tried to encourage some of them. Strangely a couple of them never bothered even send me a ‘smile’. They ignored me…..who the damn is this Jay?

Strangely, one person visited this blog and asked me today “ btw, you don’t have any plan to write? You seemed to be regular with blogs and am not seeing any update. This is the way I also stopped….hahaha”

Thanks!

Friend (let me call you that way, I don’t know your view about friends and friendships), how can I write a blog for the past two days? Forget it, understand that I was not at all in a position to write blogs. FYI, I had plans to write about the following a week ago:

Something about the IMs I used so far
Something more about my childhood
Something about Jesus, me and wine
Something about Krishna and ‘Chatur Varnyam’

What is predictable in this universe? I don’t know whether something can be predicted with 100% accuracy than our death one day….sometimes, someday, we face totally unexpected things……can you predict that so and so and so and so will be friends for ever? ………….

I wrote about Relationships. Is friendship a relationship? If not what is that? I don’t know…This reminds me of one thing, I was sitting in front of my Discrete Mathematics Professor a year ago for a Viva……he asked me the same question.

‘What is a relation? ‘ (he cut the ‘ship’?)
‘ hmm, you and me?’
‘What you mean?’
‘Teacher and student’
‘Yes!’

So, that means there exists a relationship between a Teacher and Student, though I did not attend any of his boring class……sorry may be I am off track

Those who talked me about relationships tried to convey their emotion to me, and I said, ‘yes, I understand….’. but did I really? What happens when somebody so close to you decided to close that closeness?

Let us go back to yesterday.

I am sitting in front of my family doc

‘Yes?’
‘I have chest pain’
‘Suddenly what happened?’
‘I broke with a friend, or that is what it seems’
‘Were you close to that person’?
‘Yes’
‘Since how long you know this person?’
‘Three years or may be three and a half’
‘Where is that person’?
‘Abroad….doc, I don’t have anybody to talk to….even my wife is not understanding me…that is why I came to you.....I felt like talking to you...’

‘You talk to HIM, for a while’, he looked up.

He stared at me, his typical stare.

‘OK, are you able to drink enough water?
‘No’
‘Are you eating well?
‘No’
‘What about your sleep?’
‘No, I can’t sleep properly’
‘You got fever?’
‘No’
‘Any other physical problems?’
‘Apart from that I did not observe anything other than hair falling more’

‘So, anything wrong with my heart?’
‘See, emotions are related to heart…….’
‘So, what could be wrong?’ – I interrupted him this time
‘You are under stress and it looks like you are not able to handle it…your chest pain is coz of that’
‘What you suggest? Any medication?’
‘Do you meditate?’
‘No, not these days….stopped a while ago’
‘Do you pray?’
‘Not really….its not part of my daily things, at least’
‘ Then I will give you a tab .........take at night…I will write two but suggest you take only one….you go for a walk……look at the trees, birds….listen to them….you need to get sleep, you drink enough water….if you cant, force it…..eat well…..and it might take at least four days for you to recover from this…if possible, meditate or pray…’
‘But I cant sleep’
‘Yes, I understand’

‘Doc, I cant believe this…why such things?‘

'Do you read?’

'Yes, I do'

'You read this book…..it will help you’

For the first time in my life I saw a doc prescribing a book in his letter-head !!!!!

And he prescribed a sedative……..after a long time, yesterday I slept very well!!

I am In Fifth Grade

We moved into a new place. For a change, it wasn’t a rented house, but a leased one, for five years. Thus for the next five years, I lived in a single house. From fifth grade till 9th grade.

But we were sharing the house with the house owner. There was a common veranda. In the left there was a room and that was for the owner. Then a hall and to the left a bed room and that was for us. The hall leads to another ‘area’ which had a room in the left side (for the owner) and a kitchen in the right side (for us). This ‘area’ was for the owner but we can’t go to our kitchen without using it. So, though it wasn’t a common area, it was a ‘walking’ area for us. The terrace was common.

With this setup, there weren’t any privacy. Most of the time, the owner and their people walked thru our hall, if we kept the door open. I did not like this place. But as a kid, there weren’t any choice.

This house had a small story. The land surrounding this house is very vast. It had three compound wall and the back was open to the land, but with some small foundation like stones. The area belonged to a rich man, who also was a top bureaucrat. My owner served this family for long. So, the rich man gave a small part of his land for free. Not only that, he pushed him into a government job using his hold. My owner then built a house in that land. He had a wife and when she died of some reason, he married her younger sister. When I started living there, that lady was pregnant.

Their family had 4 members. House owner, his wife, wife’s mother and eldest sister.

We were not supposed trespass the surrounding land. But it looked like a small forest. It had many trees, like a small Tamarind tree, Jack fruit tree, Plum tree, Papaya etc. And there also were trees which in Malayalam is called ‘Manjadi’. Still I don’t know its English name. It is a tree but had its fruit look like a pea. And the seeds are blood red. We used to use these seeds for playing.

The owner had a dog. Or better I say we had a dog coz, many a times, we used to feed him. This is the first dog that lived with me or my house. This dog never had any particular place to sleep and it slept here and there. Most of the time, the dog was untied and it used to wander around in the ‘forest’ area. When we became friends, he used to accompany me, half the way till my school. Some students stoned him and may be that is one of the reasons he followed me only half the way.

This dog was brown in color and was very playful. It really played ‘catch me if you can’ with me. If I run he will try to catch me and when I am caught, he will either jump over me or bite me without hurting !!!

Then, one day, my dad brought one kitten. He too loved cats just like me. This dog tried to catch the cat so many times. But finally, it gave up its enemity. I trained this cat to do his ‘potty’ keeping a tray of sand. Coz, we used to keep the cat inside during night, locked. He used to return at night wherever he was.

I wasn’t aware of Pavlov and his experiments. But a similar thing happened with my cat. This cat had a small milk bowl. Sometimes, there will be ants in it. So before pouring milk, I used to tap it to remove the ants or dust. And then, whenever we tap that bowl, the cat used to come running. This is the case if we just happened to drop the bowl or kick the bowl accidentally….he will come running and then demand for milk.

My school was about 20 minutes of walk from this house. Sister’s school also was at somewhat similar distance. Mine was a Boy’s school and hers was a Girl’s school. We did not have a proper neighbor as such. Later on, a family living in one of the opposite houses became friendly, when one of the girls there became a friend of my sister. I have never been there, though.

In a house just opposite to my house lived a politician. He was a Trade Union leader and a member of the State Assembly. His both sons studied in my school (my seniors). One of them was into active politics and became a Member of the Parliament.

My school was a breeding place for politics. Most of the students were inclined to one of the political parties. Two of my cousins were also in this school and the eldest was into active politics and became School Chairman at some point of time (and then became a ‘Corporator’ – member of a Municipal Council). He was a leftist and I turned into a Rightist (then to a centrist).

Since my school admission was done at the time of closing the admission, I was assigned to a division called ‘I’ (A to H was full) and the funny thing is that the division I did not have a class room. And our class teacher what a Craft teacher!. He sits in the Craft room and we pple were divided into small groups and put into other divisions. Thus I became part of the A division. But the Proper A division students considered us as some second citizens, at least in the beginning and there was a wrong belief that we are not good at studies and hence we got the last admission. Thus even getting a seat to sit in the bench was a small issue at the start.

I had to wait till my first term exam to prove that ‘I’ does not stand for Idiots. I was well ahead of most of the A division students. But I failed in English and ‘A’ division class teacher (who used to teach English) even insulted me in front of the class by means of some comments.

For the next term exam, I scored very good marks in English and my teacher commented in front of the whole class that ‘He copied it from somebody else’. I felt humiliated and insulted.

I did not like that teacher. He was a stubb looking unfriendly man. Ours was a government school and the uniform norm was only white shirt and black trousers. We can wear any kind of foot wear, no neck tie required. And this particular teacher asked us to wear a tie and we looked odd in the entire school. I don’t know who intervened; he finally dropped the idea after a few months. When there were student strikes (which was the national festival for this school and we kids actively participated in most of the student protests, shouting slogans.) he asked us to hide somewhere and once those protesters are gone, come back to class. But we passed this info to our seniors and they ‘taught him some lessons’ (some even damaged our class room!!!!). I did not like him at all.

There were so many poor students in this school. Many of them came to school without lunch. The government used to provide some food. But there existed a parallel system here. Issuing food packets. And this responsibility went to that class who were on ‘duty’

It was called ‘Class On Duty’. The school management will put up which class is on duty for a week, on the notice board. And it is the responsibility of that class to look at the overall cleanliness of the school etc. And some students from that class takes initiative and goes to other classes and gets a list of students who are willing to bring one extra lunch packet. And next day thy go to that classes and collect the food packet and keeps them in the Craft Room. The poor students can go and get a packet ( a typical a food packet is usually rice and some curry packed in plantain leaf and then wrapped using news paper)

I still remember the name two three students from my fifth grade. One is Arun T.G, who was very good at studies and a very good orator. He got many prizes in elocution. And he was a well behaved student with a smiling and pleasing face. Then Hari Prasad, who became my friend and remained as a friend till P.U.C (12th grade). I don’t have any other special memory about my 5th grade. No need to talk about the atmosphere in the house. There weren’t any change. And I did not see any change approaching me even at the end of the horizon. ….

Ayurveda

I was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago. When a friend of mine asked, I happened to say the word ‘Ayurvedic’ medicine. And he wasn’t aware of what Ayurveda is. Or what Homoeo is. So what is Ayurveda?

Ayurveda is the (traditional) medicine branch of India. It has a different approach than the Modern medicine. We can say it is herbal based. The Indian system of medicine believes in holistic treatment. Sometimes it is combined with Yoga.

But even many Indians don’t know the depth of Ayurveda. What I mean here is, it even has got an explanation how our body forms. But this aspect is not at all popular even here. Most of them believe it just treats illness.

When I move my right hand, you might say ‘Jay is moving his right hand’. When I scratch my nose, you might say ‘Jay is scratching his nose’. So, its Jay’s nose, Jay’s hand, Jay’s head, Jay’s eyes etc etc

And finally, when I die, you say ‘ Jay’s dead body’……so, its Jay’s dead body…..that means Jay’s body is dead. So where did Jay go?

Here my point is, there is ‘something’ within us. If that something is gone, we all are nothing but dead bodies. For the time being, for my convenience, let me call it as ‘spirit’. And if you have another picture of what a spirit is, its OK. No issues. I just want to address that ‘something’ and for that I need to name it. It is nothing but a form of energy.

When a spirit ( a small energy element, which is part of the BIG energy) longing for expressing itself , it uses the ‘Satwa’ or the subjective consciousness to manifest into mind and the sense organs. Then it projects into a physical body. For that purpose it uses the ‘Pancha Bhuta’ or the five eternal elements – they are Akash (Space), Vayu (Air ), Jal (Water), Agni (Fire), and Prithvi (Earth), all arise from Tamas.

Body works as a medium for the mind to experience the objects in this world, using Rajas, through the sense organs.

Now what about the illness? It is because of the imbalance of ‘Tridosha’ (three basic physical energies). Ayurveda believes that Tridosha is responsible for both physiological and psychological things that happens within our body and mind

What is Tridosha?

Good Night, ciaoooooooooooooooooooo

The 'Indian' Car Bomb

Some ‘Indians’ got arrested (from U.K and Australia) in connection with the car bomb episode that happened in London, the other day. My city’s edition of ‘The Times of India’ gave a more closer identity claiming those as ‘Bangaloreans’. And it even reported that Indians are in trouble than Pakistanis in the U.K. Well Well. I think something is missing here…

Are they just Indians? Were they ‘patriotic’ (?) Indians? Or were they part of a particular community?

The BBC Link:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6264230.stm

And what does our Indian Prime Minister say in India? “Terrorists belong to no religion of community” ….Now that’s very interesting. Mr. Manmohan Singh, the arrested people does belong to a particular community and we other Indians don’t want to share the shame, at least not me, very sorry. (At the same time, I want to add that I do respect all other religions in the world). And if you don’t know what Al Queda is made up of, if you don’t know who played behind the IIS incident, if you don’t know why we are taking extra precautions before every Independence Day and Republic Day, I don’t have anything to say!!!

Relationships

What was the major topic I got involved in the past one/two weeks? Its Relationships. And I was mainly listening to or discussing with people form other countries, where ‘Relationships’ exists, rather than Indians. In India, such things only got sprouted.

But why people come to me with such things? I don’t know, I personally don’t have a treasure of experience in connection with it.

May be it is coz, I am ready to spent some time for them, may be coz, I listen to them, may be coz, I care for them…but in reality, I am not good at handling a ‘erupted’ person. The other day, when one of my friends called me and started crying, I didn’t know what to do for some time….then I tried to console, but I think I am not that good with ‘words’ in such emotional situations.

But this week forced me to think about Relationships… Why so many problems in connection with it? Why it fails? What makes it a success? And in fact what exactly one mean by that word……

To be frank, I don’t know what really people mean by ‘entering into a relationship’, at least while writing this line. I personally know only one person (Indian) who tried the person before marrying.

I can only guess, try to understand from a human point of view and I don’t think it’s a big deal, coz, entering into a relationship has nothing to do with brains…coz, people from all walks of life already entered into it, going to enter and will enter, some with high hopes, and for some, it just happens…

I did not ask them ‘what is a relationship’ when somebody wanted my time. One thing is, that will worsen the situation and/or the next thing, I can expect ‘why do you want to know?’, ‘why did you ask?’ or some other flavor of why, though they don’t like getting why’ed.

So, its like ‘trying’ somebody. Its like doing some test drives before buying a car. If you are not satisfied, try someone else. This part is very important. In a relationship, both partners are trying each other and many did not understand this. One might like the other but if the other thinks that he/she is not up to their standards, that person moves on with a new search and the other person might think, ‘oh, I ended up with a wrong guy/gal’ and also ends in pain…

Is this serious or silly? The 'person in pain’s emotion can be serious though sometimes the situation looks too silly. I am telling this because, I have seen many e-relationships happening and ending in pain. And what I have observed since last 7 years is that its mostly a guy who has so many e-relationships that ditches one of his girls……it sounds silly but when I happened to chat with one of such victims, she was really serious……..

One thing that makes a human distinct from animals is the complexity and intricacy of relationships. Animals don’t face any relationship related issues. This happens because within us there is an urge to get connected, which is a human nature. This leads to a relationship.

And , when you are into a relationship, you want it to be everlasting. (Sorry, I am yet to understand the status ‘I am in a short term relationship’, which I have seen with many pple in the west, may be it’s a temporary adjustment…I am not at all teasing the western culture, please don’t misunderstand me. I respect every culture).

Some people even look for ‘soul mate’ that too without having any idea about what a soul is. Why do some relationships break very early, when we really wanted it to last long?

We need to look at the root of it. If a relationship arises because of personal need (that includes comfort and protection, financial security, just biological need etc etc…), well, it won’t last long. When the need is achieved (at physical or emotional level), our mind starts looking for something else and somewhere else. Even one of the partners in the relationship had a personal need as base, it weakens the relationship. This looking somewhere starts creating a distance and what love can not tolerate is distance.

Every relationship has the elements of love and lust (not just that, but it also has). And when you are in love, you are somewhat blind and what you express through words has only something to do with the actual meaning. A man might call his girl ‘honey, sweet heart, etc’…..he hardly mean that the girl is so sweet to him. So, don’t count much about those ‘beautiful/emotional/sweet’ words somebody says when they are in love with you (in a relationship). Yes, its is very nice to hear such words. We feel really good. No doubt about it.

I am not talking about somebody who has got the blue print of the entire relationship plans/schedule with them. If you have a pre-defined long list of expectations before entering into a relationship, chances are that you will get disappointed. Because, most of the time, true relationship just happens.

The push factor is getting attracted to somebody. In most of the case, it has a lot to do with your physical appearance. For example, men will easily get attracted to a girl with beautiful eyes….and in most of the love at first sight cases, ‘eyes’ play a crucial role. By saying that, I exclude singers, artists, famous people, celebrities etc.

Now the first part is over; got attracted. Then blossoms the love constituent. And in some people there develops a feeling of got ‘connected’ to the other person. And if both feel so, they are lucky. Then there comes a sharing mentality (lucky again). And if both partners have an emotion ‘what I can do for the other’, then the relationship succeeds. If the base is caring and sharing, it succeeds… But if they simply try to please each other, well….we need to wait and see

If one just takes advantage of the other, it fails. If one just uses the other, it fails….If one of them is not truthful, then it fails…when we expect too much from our partner, it fails….if it is the same person who is at the receiving end, always, which is mainly coz one of them not willing to change or adjust to the new setup, it fails…in some cases, it can fail even if you snore! (just kidding)

For a true and successful relationship, understanding it in a spiritual level helps a lot (both the partners). But is it worth talking about the spiritual aspects of relationships? Is it possible to practice it?

Well, I think it is very easy to preach but a little hard to practice. Understanding your partner at a spiritual level is not that easy. And it is the next to impossible thing for a ‘material girl’/man. Understanding your partner at a spiritual level is not just going to a place of worship together or attending a religious talk. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with that.

And how to handle the pain, if a relationship fails? How to rehabilitate? Some people say ‘Let go’. If so, how to let go? Me asking these questions doesn’t mean that I have the answers for it. But I wish to look into those areas too. May be later…..

Jay and the Deadman's Chest !

Am I rich or poor? Asking about the material richness, money man money …. Look at my face, cant you see that I am a very rich man? At least don’t you think that I am a potential millionaire? If you don’t think so, read the following mail I got :

Greetings to you,

I am been moved by my instict to contact you for this,my spirit accepts that i share this with you as i browse through your profile.

I am Dr Ben Kuma,a citizen of Liberia and i work in Iraq as a Medical Doctor with Madinat Al-Tib Hospital Baghdad (IRAQ). I had a case of a man that had an accident of Bomb Blast in Iraq,and he was rushed to the Hospital i work by some good Samaritans, I led a team of doctors to operate on him, but unfortunately, we lost him(He Died).

Upon the search of his briefcase to enable me issue a certificate of death and referral to the appropriate authority seeing that he was an alien, I discovered that he is a citizen of INDIA on a business in Iraq. Further search revealed documents with which he deposited the sum of Nine Million,Three thousand U.S Dollars with a diplomatic Courier Company and evidence of the transaction(a picture of the money).

I have not been able to trace any member of his family, and no thanks to the fact that he was single. So you would readily appreciate that his status made it difficult for me to get any of his relatives.

With my position as a senior medical doctor in the Hospital, and the fact that I am the only one preview of this information, the money is for me to claim if I could act as a next of kin, unfortunately, my citizenship of LIBERIAN and the role I have so far played would not permit me to do this.

In the light of this, I here by formally solicit your assistance to act as the next of kin if you accede to my proposition and the following sharing ratio.

Your Pecentage for this will be 25%

10% of this Money will be given to the Less priviledged i.e the Orphanage and the victims of war e.t.c,

5% of the money will be for Settlement of any expenses incurred on both sides.

I brought up this plan and for that reason i will keep 60% for myself as the initiator of the plans.

If you are interested in this transaction, then contact me through my Email address(<I removed his mail id>), and do not forget the utmost confidentiality must be maintained.

Regards,
Dr.Ben Kuma


Now, what do you think?