Easter, Again...

Another Easter just passed by. This festival has some old but golden memories.

I had a wonderful dream yesterday night...thank you Jesus for making this day special that way, otherwise it would have ended as just another day!

The Easter Feast

Another Easter just passed....

It was a Sunday morning of some 16 years ago. I heard a knock knock on the door. I came out from my room and saw my then best friend smiling at me, carrying something in her hand. She wished me 'Happy Easter'. She was in a hurry and said she need to go to church (was the lead female singer in an evangelical band. Did some cassettes/records too). She brought something to eat. Her family was going through some hard time, financially, and hence what she brought wasn't anything feasty but something simple and homemade.

What matter is the willingness, intention and heart..

That was the best Easter feast in my life, and it always will be..

Unbirthday

This year’s birthday had a specialty. This was the first time in my life so far that I ‘celebrated’ my birthday abroad. India is kind of one day ahead of US. Astrologically, our birthday is connected to the day and date of our place of birth. But I decided to stick to US date and hence I got this chance to enjoy my first unbirthday.

Those who follow the tradition has one more day to celebrate. Because we (those who speak my mother tongue) have our own calendar and in that calendar what is more important is the ‘star’ and its ‘weightage’ than a specific date in that month. When I am writing this, I tried to remember my birthday according to our calendar and I realized that that particular data is now stored in a bad sector.

Just another day, but

Not just another day; coz

An unbirthday gift

Comes just another day

The Last Uncle...Lost

One of my uncles, the youngest sibling of my father passed away, yesterday morning. Now, my mother and all her siblings, my father and all his siblings, they are all gone.

I never had any particular attachment for this uncle of mine. During childhood, the only emotion that I had towards him could be fear. He went in a wrong track as far as spirituality is concerned.( Who am I to judge him or say he was wrong? Well, though I wasn’t attached to him in any way (when I look at the paternal side, I was attached only to the eldest brother of my father), I used to observe him and I saw he quitting his then’ right’ and coming to my then and now ‘right’). Thus he himself created an invisible wall and some visible limits around him. When I was a kid, I wasn’t even allowed to touch him….

I still remember one incident, I had to meet him and address him as ‘Uncle’ (I address him ‘Kochachan’, which means the ‘younger brother of father’) and he spoke:

“Don’t call me uncle; I am not your uncle….”

I felt it ridiculous.

But things changed over years, and when I visited him last time, he was all smiles. I addressed him in the same way ‘Kochacnan’ and he did not show any hesitation but accepted it happily...

Yes, when I think of him now, the last image of him that comes into my mind is his smiling face…

I don’t know where you left, but wherever you are, be at peace…

Guy's Nightout...

When I wrote about rat meat, I had no idea that the very next thing would be me having a dinner with a guy who eats almost anything. Should I try to erase that dinner memory? No, it was one of the good memories I would like to keep in my memory locker coz it was a rare moment since 12 years.

I am in this city since 12 years or so. And the thought of the last time I had a dinner with my friends too pulls my memory back to 12 years. Strange days and strange things, couple of recent days looks like that......

I had no idea that the person I got acquainted very recently was someone who played basket ball for my country, a national level player…I had no idea that he did some movies, TV serials and ads. I was seeing this guy for the past 2 and a half years and only now we got acquainted….strange (oh yeah? You said strange? Man, its all coz of your introvert attitude !!)

Somewhat same with another guy that I met in the recent past. I had no idea that he holds a high position in an MNC and he travels to many countries very often.

Then suddenly this happy night came into existence when one of those guys suggested a dinner out. We all had a common friend, none other than our gym instructor. So, it became a ‘Four married men turns bachelors’ affair.

I was bit exited about this coz I never had such an outing since many years. Such moments were very common 13 years ago. That time, though I had other friends, my colleagues became good friends too and hence almost every day, we used to sit together for a cup of tea or coffee. Things started changing about one year prior to me moving into this city when guys started moving to other organizations. There weren’t any internet or mobile phone that time and none of us had any pager too. still, we managed to keep in touch, somehow, and we used to meet on weekends…and then, all of a sudden…

The one who planned it was the tall boy among us (6 foot 3 inches). The short guy (our trainer, who is about 5 feet something) had a problem leaving early plus he said he wont come to the restaurant the other guy suggested since its managed by his employer company. Then the fourth guy did not turn up…It was a disappointment for me. But somehow I convinced our trainer and we called the fourth guy; he too said 'OK, I am coming'..finally !

Two of them wanted to go to a restaurant which serve beer or liquor but here in this city, they are not allowed to serve such things after 11 pm and many of them won’t take orders after 10 pm. The time was already 9.15 and almost all such good restaurants needed at least 45 minutes drive (coz of traffic).

At last, we stopped at a place…it was a bar and restaurant. I don’t know why, but there was a broad smile on my face..

“Me and Sir will have some orange juice” said the gym man (by ‘sir’ he was referring to me).

“This milk drinking boy, huh ” said one

“No, you and Jay are too drinking….” said the third one… they both belonged to the same religion which is against drinking.

The place was crowded and we moved on to a hall which had a tag ‘Family Room’. Then a staff came and said:

“Sir, that’s a family room, you cant sit there”

“We are family, we are brothers” said the tall guy….

I could not resist laughing… one was very tall and fair and even did not look like a South Indian, one is short, one wearing glasses and one with a french beard...none of us had same built, looks, or even skin color…the only common thing among us was that we all looked physically fit.

That staff guy smiled and said:

“No, sir”

"What is this yaar? you people don't allow even brothers to sit together?" Asked the spects guy..

We moved on to another place which looked quite. None of use felt like sitting in a crowded place, especially the tall guy. But there the only table available had a tag “Reserved”

One of the staff allowed us to sit there, though another one raised some objection. I wasn’t bothered about the situation coz those two guys who came with me were highly capable of handling people and situations.

“Vodka, Cut green chilly and lemon..” says one

“Me and sir want orange juice” says another one

“So, you don’t drink?” one of them asked me

“hmmm, No…” I said

“You don’t mind a beer, at least?”

The gym man was looking at me as if I am his savior…but I failed

“No problem….”

There was this ‘you shouldn’t have said that’ look in gym man’s face…

(They ordered some chicken to snack and I ordered a plate of ‘Gobi Manchurian’ – Cauliflower)

One of them talked about cooking..

“YOU cook? I asked

“Aary Yaar ! I am an awesome cook” he gave me a kind of look, as if I asked Bill Gates ‘do you know computer programming?”

That was time I came to know that this guy eats meat…

“You eat pork?” I asked

(Other two too were non-veg but they do not eat pork coz its not allowed as per their religion)

“Pork, duck, horse, crocodile, tortoise, fish, crab, chicken, beef….I have tried all these…I could not eat octopus though, I had to spit it out”

His ‘I did not try’ list had items like scorpion, dog, rat, worms etc…

We went to another place to have food, which was on the same road..it was closing time. It was a restaurant run by Muslims and hence we can hardly expect anything Veg. They had Roti and Paneer Butter Masala but I thought I would try ‘Egg Biriyani’. The Biriyani was same for Egg and Chicken Biriyani…the only difference was I got two boiled eggs and others got one egg and one chicken leg. The guy used same ‘thing’ (that forceps kind of thing – what was its name???) to pick the chicken legs and then eggs. Usually they do not do that in a restaurant which serve both Veg and Non-Veg….I said to myself :

‘Just forget it’

I drove very slowly, while coming back…enjoying the talks…At last, when I entered our apartment’s main gate, one of them commented:

“What happened to him? He was driving so fast before and now, after having a beer, he is stopping at every hump..”

All of them laughed, including me.

Guys, you don’t know how happy you made me (though I thanked one of them, next day)…

Thanks for gifting me with a good n memorable moment (that I had been waiting for the past 12 years???)...May God bless you all...

An Interview Memory

I was watching a satire TV show. Someone gives an application to the agriculture department for financial aid since he lost his crops during floods. He faces many hurdles (getting lots of certificates like proving he is male, he is the person who actually files the application etc) and the show ended this way – after seven long years, the funds get sanctioned and the officer visits the applicant's house to disperse the money. The officer meets the son and asked him to call his father to sign the paper (so that he could handover the money). Son shows a picture on the wall and says that his father is no more. Then the officer tells – now there is another issue, please bring a death certificate. And then the dead man in the picture asks – Sir, should I myself come with that certificate?

Then I told my wife that I too faced similar situation to get the insurance money (though it was a small amount) when my father died. That thought lead me to an interview I attended and then to my student life.

The interviewer (the boss) goes through my certificates and asked:

“What I notice is your academic performance went down and down after every course... your 10th, pre-university and degree. And you said you dropped out from your masters. Why?”

“I had personal problems that time”

“Like what?”

I thought I better start from pre-university since 10th grade is the starting certificate with him.

“I had developed some severe eye allergy before my PUC final exams. It took long time to cure thus I was unable to study well...... It was during my second year degree that my father died. There were many complications and I had to run around getting many certificates and it was very hard to concentrate on my studies”

I was telling the truth. Those were years of disappointment and frustration. My father’s post death events were something really odd considering it was a normal death. Police, postmortem, spelling mistake in a crucial certificate which messed up many other things… migraine during the exam days too played a spoilsport…

No need to say that I lost that job.

[Later, I met many of my schoolmates on the road/bus/sales tax office etc. Many of them became post-graduates, including those guys who were not near me in the class ranking (I stood at 2nd or 3rd position, most of the time, during high school days)].

If fate can come in the form of a human, I want to invite him/her for a cup of coffee. It would be a silent conversation, isn’t it? Me looking with ‘why?’ face and fate sitting with a smile face…

Not Again !!

Did I break up with a friend (or two) of mine? I don’t know. That too just for trying to give their space? If that’s for real, I feel it stupid. I still remember an old near break which left a deep wound in me. But that incident taught me some lessons. And hence today I have only a headache. I am not shattered. Thanks to that old friend.

Sometimes it is like that. We will get crucified for no reason at all. Worst thing is other person doing the wrong act and we standing at the receiving end. Then it really pains. Though it has nothing to do with friendship, one incident comes into my mind. My then house owner’s dog’s death and he suspecting me for that. In reality , I was the one who tried to save that dog. I was the one who fed the last drops of water.

Just like the dog story, may be it has nothing to do with what has happened to me. But something comes into my mind. When someone spends some time with us, that doesn’t always mean that, that person don’t have anything else to do. When someone spends some money for us (it could be a greeting card, a phone call, an SMS…), it doesn’t always mean that, that person lives in luxury, or having some time pass.

God, at least you know the truth, right?

Happy Birthday !

The other day was my birthday. A day without cake, candle, balloons or wine. Usually there is this system of cooking some sweet at home. This year, that too wasn’t there. My wife had a plan to make one; but in the morning, she found out that one ingredient (ghee or clarified butter) is not there. So she dropped the idea.

I got two greeting cards, when I woke up. One from my wife (which she bought) and one from my son (which he made). Many of my e-friends wished me a happy birthday.

The ‘plan for the day’ was a lunch. Only me and my wife. It was a nice vegetarian restaurant, which was a little far from my apartment. We had a buffet lunch. There were more than enough food items. And I enjoyed it. Wife wanted to buy me a sunglass. Instead, I went for a track pant and a bottle of perfume.

I was happy on that day. And it was my birthday…

Thank you, God !

Knee Injury

Every organ in our body is important, in one way or another and I don’t think God did any mistake in that creation process (one way circumcision is trying to correct ‘God’s blunder’ by those who think they know about God and His ways better than the God himself!). The way our body works is just amazing. In fact the whole research that’s happening in the field of science and technology is trying to understand the know-how of God’s technologies, in one way or another, knowingly or unknowingly.

What about the knee then? I read an article by somebody (don’t remember his name, can be a doc coz it was technically a good article about the structure of the knee) where he said knee is a faulty design by the God. Knee is the most complicated joint in our body and one of the easily injured one too. For walking, running, standing, kicking, sitting…we need support from knee. We can lift a person of our weight (or more). It goes thru our knee. It can bend, twist and even has the ability to rotate limitedly.

The volume of Arthritis reported among the old and not- so- old and the number of knee replacement surgeries happening around us these days show how this joint can be overused. Injuries to the knee can be of different types. A muscle strain, tendonitis, bursitis , a runners knee …..and in the little more severe cases, it can be tear of ligaments and more.

There are many ligaments in our knee and the most injury prone ones are MCL (Medial Collateral Ligament), ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) and PCL (Posterior Cruciate Ligament) and LCL (Lateral Collateral Ligament). The role of ligaments are to connect two bones.

What should one do when there is a knee injury? If you check the net for that purpose, almost every site will advise you to do RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation). Is that all? Just be relaxed and take some rest with an ice pack?

Since I did not get the results I expected for my LCL tear, I decided to go for a second opinion with one of the best doc in my city. He was known to me and is a friend of my family doc. He was my son’s doc and at some point of time, my wife also had to consult him. Thus I had an idea about his approach. He always believed in going with the latest technology.

I briefed him about what happened to me and what I did. And then he said (he always speaks very loud):

“See, these days, our approach to knee injuries are very aggressive. The problem with knee injuries are that, if we don’t take care of it properly, it can lead into irreparable osteoarthritis especially in middle age people, in a very short period. When I started my practice about 25 years ago, we never had any equipment to asses the severity of these kind of injuries. If people were old, we used to suggest some pain killers, rehabilitation programme that included wearing a brace that you are wearing now or some exercises or life style change. And if they were young, we had to cut it open and see what it is. But as you know, science is growing fast. Now we have MRI and Arthroscopy to evaluate the injury. I suggest you to go for an MRI and then we will discuss. I don’t want you to end up with arthritis in five years time”

I did MRI and while lying down inside that machine, I was thinking about the reasons why it can lead into arthritis.

Its so simple. It is ligaments that keep the bones together and the joint intact. What happens when that’s torn? The joint becomes unstable and loose. That leads the joint to function in ‘not so normal’ way, which again giving a chance for bone to bone direct contact. Our joints are built in such a way that bone like hard stuffs won’t make direct contact with its counter part and when it happens, the wear and tear starts leading to osteoarthritis.

My MRI showed a chronic tear with wavy fibers to the LCL even after 3-4 months. Not just that, it showed the early symptoms of OA changes (welcome, osteoarthritis)in the patellofemoral. Is that all? Nope it showed Grade I injury to my Medial Meniscus. As per the X-ray I had done earlier, everything looked just normal and it didn’t even show any OA changes in the knee. Thus my old therapist and doc thought my knee cap pain was some radiating pain.(X-rays wont show ligament tear, since ligaments are made of soft tissues)

What does it all mean? Simple. When you end up in a knee injury, don’t take it lightly. Don’t listen to Tom ,Dick and Harry and let a doc examine your knee on day one itself (or next day). This is important coz, the damage due to the delay can not be repaired in many cases. It is always wise to learn from others experience than waiting for things happen to us. So learn from me. The biggest blunders I did with respect to this knee injury are:

Listening to “ I had many such falls. It pains a lot initially and then it goes by itself” from somebody close to me

Not following the RICE principle at all

Self medicating with pain killers/anti inflammatory drugs

Delay in seeing the doc

Meeting the nearest doc just for convenience and thus not getting the right treatment at the right time.

And the result?

(sigh....)

My First MRI

So far, I had three fractures and lots of physical injuries in the past 25 years. But this is for the first time that I am undergoing an MRI. My physiotherapist had told me that MRI is kind of scary thing (may be coz she is a she). When she told me that, I did not understand why. May be coz, we will be taken into that ‘cave’ and we are all alone….I don’t know..

(Yes, for people with claustrophobia – the fear of enclosed spaces – MRI can be really scary and MRI machines are very noisy too)

But my personal experience was different. The radiologist asked whether I had taken any MRI in the past and I said no. The MRI room looked clean and neat. The equipment was a SIEMENS make. There was music in the room which wasn’t soothing. He asked me to lie down in the table kinda thing and kept some stuffs here and there so that my leg movement will be minimum. And then he gave me something to hold, it looked like a pump used in the BP apparatus. He told me to press it if I want to communicate with those people, at any point during the scan.

Then the table got lifted and there I go inside the ‘cave’ (it had a similarity to the dead body being moved into the furnace of the electric crematorium). It was amusing for me and I liked it. And then he left the room.

Nothing happened for sometime, so I stared here and there and then I read a warning just above my head

“Do not stare in to the beam. Class II Laser…..”

I said to myself: yep, LASER is not friendly with our eyes, I know, common man, let’s begin.

Well, then started the ride… am I in a gaming room? Funny sounds started coming, one was similar to the gunfire in games. Yes, this is the scary part, at least for kids. I enjoyed it. It came every now and then. Then it became boring to listen to it. So I started thinking many other things and finally it stopped. It took around 20 minutes. And the guy came to the room and took me out from the 'cave' and asked:

“Are you alright?”

I smiled at him and said “ yeah, I am”

So, overall, I enjoyed my first MRI, though it wasn’t that friendly for my wallet!

Express your Love ?

What do people do when they feel very emotional (positive, like love) about somebody? I remember the dog in our house becoming so expressive and jump up on me when it sees me back from school. Humans too express it in different ways. Sometimes we might feel like giving them a pinch. Yes, people express it that way too. Some might feel like giving a hug. It is very much applicable in friendships too. But sometimes we better don’t show any such thing coz, it can even be fatal…

Well, it has nothing to do with any of my friends. And there is no fatality in this incident, but it still holds that danger element.

I was wondering why my right knee is still not in control compared to my left knee. Did I give more pressure on that knee while playing badminton? I don’t think so. So, what happened to my right knee?

Lets rewind…yesterday, day before yesterday, day before and before yesterday…..

I was sitting at the end of my bed, legs stretched. No idea what made my wife feel ‘so much of love’ to express. She came and tried to sit on my lap. I warned, but it was too late. I fell down hitting my right knee on the floor and she fell on the other side of the knee (about 55 kg). There was terrible pain ….my knee got bruised and started slightly bleeding. That was more than enough to give a PCL or ACL or LCL tear. But I did not think that way and hence did not take it seriously. I just had couple of anti-inflammatory and analgesic tabs. When I realized the seriousness, it’s too late

See, so, sometimes it is better to be not expressive…

(posting it after many re-thinks)

Eerie Moments

It rained heavily today.

I love rain. I enjoy looking through the windows when it rains. I like to walk in the rain under an umbrella enjoying the cold breeze. I also like to drive when it rains.

Too much of anything is bad. So, too much of rain also can lead to flood and diseases. During my childhood, to the extend possible, I did not miss a chance to get wet in the rain. But I was scared of my father and hence if I had no choice but to appear in front of him, I avoided getting wet.

I started going to school in bicycle from 8th grade. I had a choice, a new bicycle later or dad’s old cycle on the spot. May be I was impatient and opted for the old cycle (well, father did not buy a new one for him, but then on, he started going to office on foot). Our school timing was 9.30 am to 3.30 pm. Dad was with government service and hence he had office till 5 pm. Thus there is a time gap which I made use during rainy seasons. After school, most of us did not wait for the rain to stop; we used to enjoy the rain liberally. During rainy seasons, we used to carry a polythene bag/cover too so that we can protect our books. But sometimes, it used to get wet.

There is a word associated with rain...... Eerie…

Why is that so? As on this day this time, I don’t know. Is it that frightening? Who are the ones that consider rain as eerie? It looks like it was mostly poets and writers and not common man who really faced troubles. But there is an eerie side for rain in my life.

I don’t remember when it was. It was either when I was in third grade or it should be when I was in 4th grade. We were living in a rented house owned by an uncle of mine. It was a tiled house which was very old too. What happens when it rains? During heavy rains, water used come inside, dripping from the top. Sometimes these dripping gains strength and became a flow.

Eerie moments were the night moments, the sleeping time. Sometimes the rain started after us sleeping and there comes water falling on our head! Then we need to keep some vessel/utensil exactly under it and look for a different place to sleep…if water fell there too, look for another place…and was the house that big so that we have enough space and hence choose a nice place and sleep? Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

It really was irritating. It’s not from (just) one place that water used to drip in, but many. So, how was it? Will the parents take care of such things and we just sleep? Nope. Father hardly bothered about it and hence it was mostly me and my mother who were after getting the utensil and yes, sometimes helped by my sister too (I think only if the dripping bothered her).

We weren’t sleeping on cot and bed. There was only one cot and it was occupied by father. Mom, sister and I slept on the floor during those days. We used to use kind of mattress made of grass and then a couple of bed sheets. Some times we came to know of the dripping water only after our sheets and mattress got wet. That were the most disappointing, frustrating and sad moments. Coz, we may not get a dry one to change. Either there weren’t any spare sheets or the spare ones were still to get dried after a wash.

Yes, those were the days rain was really eerie in my life…

Getting Well Soon

What do we do when we fall ill? I don’t know how exactly all others spent their illish days. I have observed my dad, mom, sister, my brother in law(s), my father/mother in law, my wife, my son , a couple of (old) friends……… and of course, myself too. In general we like to be at peace and not physically disturbed. Those are the days we like to be served than to serve.

Though I said I have observed many others, I don’t know how their mind was working that time. We can’t always read it. Some mental activities come as expressions and emotions and no idea about the rest. Yes, thinking is one of the major thing I do when I fall ill..

How good is this thinking process when we are ill? From my personal experience, if those thoughts are mostly negative, its really bad during these period. Many a times I have observed, if I am angry, lots of negative thoughts comes. Mind goes to past and fetches unwanted and ‘to be forgetted’ things. If I entertain that thoughts, they bring more and more.

If the present illish situation is not comfortable, mind goes back and fetches something to tell how it was when my mother was with me. This may not be the situation with others but in my case, nobody ever took care of me like my mom (though we ideologically differ in many things and even used to fight over many things). One main reason behind this was that there wasn’t anybody else to take care of me.

This time also, many such thoughts went through my mind. There was one incident. That happened when I underwent an appendicitis surgery. Somebody came to visit me without knowing the exact room number. He went to the duty room and enquired and found me too. But later on, I came to know from him that when he asked my name to a nurse, for a moment she started thinking and then another nurse told her:

“It is that room, where the mother and son are occupied”

Yes, that time mom was the only person with me (dad was no more). Sister had two kids that time and she was busy taking care of them. Some friends used to visit me in the evening, after their work. Thus most of the time, it was just me and mom. And yes, she was the only by-stander from day one to day last.

Whenever I fell ill, I never had to get up in the middle and make a black tea or coffee or a cup of hot water. She used to wake up and do that for me. Before going to bed she used to tell

“ call me if you need any help”.

That time, I never thought that is a luxury. I just thought that is how life is. Yes, I still think that is how every mom in this world should be (yes, there are exemptions, I know). What about wives of the world? How every one of them should be? SKIP...

I thought of my friends during this ill period. Though some of them knew that I fell ill, they did not even sent me a text….a mail asking ‘how are you’ or wishing a ‘get well soon’… at the end, I sighed and asked myself

“Are they my friends for real?”

“They might be busy” said somebody within me

My logical mind wasn’t ready to accept that being busy theory.

“If I were online daily, they had some time to spare and say something..and I even got a mail from a friend who really is busy..”

“Don’t be prejudiced, they might have some reasons”

“How long will it take to type – how are you?”

“Yes, you are right, but don’t take such things seriously.”

Thoughts thoughts and thoughts….. I am fed up of them, sometimes…

But from reading my own emotions during the illness period, I think it’s a nice feeling to get a hi or ‘get well soon’ or something like that from our friends or acquaintances. I know this is not the case with everybody. There are people who don’t want others to know that they fell ill and thus they might not like somebody asking ‘what happened’ or wishing a ‘get well soon’.

If we try to avoid some thoughts, it will come back. We can either observe them and let it go or think about something else or do something else. So I decided to go back to my biology lessons and brush up my knowledge about knee joints. This I did whenever I felt better. I read a lot and lot about my particular knee issue – the LCL tear. I even went through more than 20 websites in search of more info or to find out what others did when they had a ligament sprain. Most of the sites ‘spit out’ the same thing. May be they copied it from some single source or somehow things got circulated. Many of them wrote:

“LCL tear is not very common”

Very funny. So what they mean to say is I developed some unusual ligament issue? But I was not into any unusual sport. Before the tear I put my head into tennis, squash and yes badminton. If they believe that these sports cant give an LCL tear, then they better change their old theory. Because I already met two orthopedic doc in this connection and when I said it happened while playing badminton, it wasn’t a surprise for them. My physiotherapy doc also did not show any surprise element. A friend of mine said her husband had a similar issue and he plays basket ball. That means it can happen, its not rare.

But I understood that the approach of (most of) the western docs in this aspect is more serious and focused. They go for an MRI in most of the cases to make sure and then rule out other possibilities. And the therapies used also differ. Then somebody within me said this:

“No wonder the sports people go abroad for such injuries. If we get proper treatment, we can recover very fast….but India is picking up as a place for medical tourism , so these facilities should be available in bigger hospitals, though it is expensive…who knows? Should I try one of such place? ….”

Sigh ! Sigh ! sigh !

I went through many different emotions which included ‘helplessness’. I don’t want to recollect them. What if I get a feeling of ‘going through’ those feelings again? It can happen. Its not wise me disturbing my peace of mind at my own cost.

So, it’s a good thing to remember the subject line of a mail sent by one of my friends, who also fell ill:

“lets get well soon..”

A Rehabilitation !

I got rehabilitated. After a short period of explosive activities, finally am back to the garage.

I had developed a knee injury about two months ago. From the kind of pain and my experience with injuries during martial arts time, I guessed that it is not a minor muscular pain. But I did not want to admit it. I wanted to fight it out. I tried to hide my pain from my wife so that she won’t put any restrictions. But finally, my body asked me to take some rest. May be I asked more from my body. Gym, badminton, swimming, squash… people even started being jealous of me, my figure and my fitness…

Today I met an orthopedic surgeon, since the pain came back. He was a nice guy. I liked him. Pleasant looking with a smiling face. I had consulted him 4-5 years ago or so when I had a minor rib fracture. He did not recognize me (Well, had he did, then it would have been a wonder). The thing I like about this doc is that he is ready to explain things and hence I can ask questions. Thus I used this chance to clear some other doubts.

So, he took a paper and a pen and drew a diagram of knee joint and explained to me what has happened. There is a severe sprain with a ligament. And hence I need to stop all my physical activities. Very bad news… not just that, I need to undergo physiotherapy (Ultra Sonic, I.C.T - Interferential Current Therapy- which gives funny 'pin and needle' sensation coz of electric impulses, and then about 5 different exercises!!!) for 7 days..very very bad…

Another disappointing thing is this hospital is 6 km away from my house and this physiotherapy room is always full! So, now is the time of testing patience. This is how life is...

“…Whatever is happening, is happening for the good…” - Bhagavat Gita..

Death Anniversary

Time flies very fast. Is that so? Will time change speed every now and then? Time and mind are connected. When we are happy or busy, we feel the time flew fast. When we are unhappy or bored, we feel it moving slowly.

Whatever be it, it was on this day, a year ago, my mom left her body. Is what is left my mom? Or was it the body that I cremated who was my mom? When we are here in this planet within a body, we feel emotions towards even the dead ones. I don’t know what it is like with the departed ones. I think in every religion, people do something for the departed soul on this day, at least a prayer.

The memories of my mother still lives in me. I read my own blog which was connected to this day, that I wrote a year ago. Apart from mom’s memories, one more thing had something to do with this day. A year ago, it was the presence (though not physical) of a friend of mine, today it was marked by the silence of the very same person. It wasn’t something good or I liked or I expected. I wished to share/tell something about my mom with her.. ..But I couldn’t. ..Did I forget to tell that I am always available? ALWAYS..

I better I remember something good about my mother than trying to think how good a mother she was or how good she was as wife or how good she was as a granny or how good she was as a mother-in-law. Who am I to comment on how good a wife she was? That should be done by my dad. But where is he? Are my mom and dad living together? Did they meet somewhere? When they were alive, he told my mother well in advance that he will pass away before her, though they were of the same age. And he did the same thing, though he had nothing to do with the heart failure; though he wasn't fully ready for it(he wished to see his daughter complete her masters). Did he wait for her or did he carry on?

My mom loved food. She used to visit restaurants more frequently than my dad, when she was working. Many a times, I was part of those visits, if not, she used to bring something for us. 'Us' means mostly me and my sister. Sometimes we avoided dad coz we were scared that he might scold for wasting money.

Hey dad, I know you cant read my blogs, but can you read my thoughts? If yes, I want to ask you one thing. If mom was wasting money, what about you? What was your savings? Why couldn’t you send your son to a medical collage to fulfill his dream?. No, am not angry with you, but I still I want to ask you that.

Yes, I was talking about mom and food. If we had some snacks at home, it always was coz of mom. When I say mom loved food, it doesn’t mean that dad did not. Dad was vegetarian and mom a non vegetarian, may be that is the difference. One tried to not to spent too much on restaurants and the other one didn’t bother about it. As a cook, mom was quite ok, though she wasn’t exceptionally good. She could cook most of the traditional dishes. As a cook, her sister flared well.

When I remember about mom, I can not forget one thing. May be it is the same with most of them who knew her. Her neatness. And she was very particular about having a neat bed. When she was with a cousin of mine, I visited her and her bed wasn’t that neat. It really pained me, though I did not comment on it.

Mom was very good at handling newborns. Giving them bath, giving them food, make them sleep, sing lulls for them… she liked it. I had seen one thing; many a times people from the neighborhood used to bring the babies to her to give them a bath.

One more thing I can not forget about mom is that it was she who kept in touch with all of our relatives. I don’t even know many of them!

I am not sure about the life after death. But mom, if you are continuing some journey, I wish you all the best !

Badminton Woes

Oh! not again !!

Since my son missed his school bus today, I had to drop him. Thus I had to reshuffle my morning activities. Then decided to avoid gym.

Swimming went fine and I was happy about it. As soon as I reached home, I got a call from my gym trainer asking me to come to play badminton. I felt sooo happy again. He said the guy who gave me disappointment is sitting there alone since nobody is there to play. I thought it’s a chance, if its singles, I even had a chance to show him that I too can play badminton... So I ran to club again…and what was the scene there?

He was playing with his friend, as usual, and there were 4 of them, including a kid. I did not see them avoiding the kid since he don’t know the rules or hitting here and there. I asked one of them,

“then why did he (trainer) say nobody is there to play?”
“yes, we were looking for somebody to play with”

I waited for another 5 minutes and then went up to meet the trainer guy and told him, that am going back home. He is a nice guy and even he too felt it bad.

When I left the court, one of them asked:

“you are not playing?”
“Nope, I am going”
“why?”
“I just am going”

And the other guy avoided an eye contact with me, just like yesterday…

In our club, badminton court is the only place which already gave so many disappointments , hurts, heated talks etc , so far. There were lots of mails flowing in our forum complaining about the attitude of people coming there to play. They won’t give others a chance. Once a guy wrote that even though he waited for 30-45 minutes, he could not play…he wasn’t worried about it, but what hurt him was the ‘smile of those guys’ at him.

I am better put. I am not hurt that way, they did not laugh at me. Good ….else I would have asked, “why are you laughing?” And that might spoil the present friendly relationship with them.

Anyway, it wasn’t a pleasant feeling….. This apartment complex has about 1000 apartments. And there is only one badminton court…may be I need to get used to such situations…

But what is community living, if we can’t care and share for a few people around us? It looks like these days people are becoming more and more selfish and arrogant.

(That reminds me another incident. The other day I was drinking a tender coconut, on the road side. I parked my car, came out and had the coconut. Another car came driven by a lady and a lady sitting with her. She just sat in the car and asked for two tender coconut. The seller gave it. Since its summer, there was rush. When that lady finished drinking, she waited for him to collect the empty ones. He was bit busy, and by that time she threw it on the road. Then she started honking asking him to collect the money, he was busy giving coconuts to those who were waiting. So, she took the car further…but I liked that guy’s expression. He just smiled at them and said “ok, you go….” …she did not dare to do that, anyway)

Dear Badminton, is it coz of these reasons your name starts like this: BADminton? Well, I still love this game (play and not to watch) and whenever I get a chance, I will play it….

Impossible is nothing!

(Not talking about me, but God..hehehe)


2-Jun-08

Can same thing provide us with happiness and sadness?

While checking out a sports channel, I happened to watch a tennis match between Sharapova and Safina. The match is going on when am writing this. While serving, I saw both of them hit the net, many times. Well they are world class players and still? This took me back to my last weekends…

I like tennis, but I never played it. I don’t know the rules of it too. But what I believe is, one day, I will play tennis. Same with badminton. I have never played badminton in a proper way, in a court. I have a racquet and we play inside our small hall, mostly playing the underarm shots, just for time pass. Our apartment complex has a badminton court and its always full. That is the next most popular place (and most popular game) in the club after gym. But I always wished to play in that court.

I got acquainted with a couple of people in the gym and they used to play badminton. I had expressed my interest in playing badminton to one of those guys and he said:

“Its ‘our boys’ who are playing in the morning, you can join us”

I was so happy but I said:

“but I don’t know how to play…I never played in a court”

“its ok, we too are not good players, you can join us”

......When I went to gym, he was sitting there and asked me:

“You wanted to play badminton, right? Then go and get your racquet” I cut my gym and rushed home to get my racquet. But when I came back, I saw him standing at the entrance of the club and he said:

“We can not play today. Two of them are playing, two are waiting and then some kids too”

I got really disappointed. I called up the gym trainer and he asked me to come to gym. I started my workouts…these days, I don’t do cardio since I swim. But I went to treadmill and ran very fast to throw away my disappointment.

Trainer’s duty was over and he said there are only a few kids in the court and hence we will go and play badminton. I saw two kids playing singles. Trainer said we will join them but I said, let them play singles, and we will also play singles, anyway the court can accommodate 4…

I was so happy to be there in a real professional court with a racquet in my hand. And we started playing and then, from the face expression and smile on the trainer’s face (whenever I scored) I realized that, I am good at it, as a beginner…

Next day, when I went to gym, I carried the racquets (2) with me. I saw my acquaintance playing with his friend (who is also an acquaintance of mine). But I did not join them but went to gym. When I started workouts, he called me and asked me to join them. They were playing doubles. I replaced my ‘closest’ acquaintance and told all of them that I am new to it and I don’t know the rules.

Nobody explained to me what the rules are and or how to begin. Me not knowing the rules became a little problem to them, since they were play playing a real game and not for fun. Nobody showed any interest in explaining anything to me. After sometime, I read their faces and minds and told them:

“Ok, you carry on”..and then my ‘friend’ told: “ you watch it for a while”

I watched for sometime and then decided not to waste my time and then went back home. I really felt bad. When I was waiting to say bye, one of them avoided eye contact with me and just avoided me.

Well, just one month, if I play for just one month, I will beat at least 50% of those who are already playing there. Nobody comes in this world learning every rule of the game. Nobody by-heart some rules for nothing. When we are into it, we learn it. If I ask them about the fighting rules in a Kumite (karate sparring/fighting), they can’t answer, but I can …not coz I am great, but just coz I was into it for sometime. Its not at all a big deal. And as far as badminton is concerned, it looked very simple to me and I had the reflux.

And if we are impatient, it is always better not to invite others to join us and don’t offer our help to teach somebody something. Coz, others will simply get hurt. I don’t know about others, but (now) I enjoy being in the swimming pool and giving some tips to those who are new to it (and I love to get tips from better swimmers)

But today evening, it was a different story. I called up the trainer to know whether we can play badminton again and he said yes. He is a guy who is willing to teach. I rushed there with two racquets and what I saw is, a coaching camp for kids going on! I really got disappointed. But then comes the Billiards/Pool trainer guy in the form of God….by nature, I like active games and not lazy ones. So, I wasn’t much interested in Pool. But in that situation, even pool was OK for me. I have never played that too. No idea about how to hold the cue stick….

He gave me an idea about it and then today I played three games of Pool. I won one and lost two….

(Well well well….World No.1 Sharapova lost to Safina, at the end)

Its not Funny!

When I was a school boy I used to jump-in and jump-out of running buses. It was a common stuff during that time. Many a times, the bus might not stop at the bust stop and we might run after it, catch the handle rod and jump into the footboard. (In India, most of the government owned public transport buses still don’t have a door). This process happened once in a while till may be 15 years ago. I used to step down from running bus at a turning (where there is no stop)to make it easy to reach my office. But these are not that much risky till you actually fall or hit your head on a electric post (while travelling on a foorboard).

Not knowing swimming and daring to go to the deep zone in a pool (14 or 16 feet deep)was bit risky, which happened may be 17 years ago (yes, I drank water as a result).

Then, about 4 years back, when I was in Himachal Pradesh, I happened to travel sitting on the top of a transport bus. When the electric lines come, we need to bend down to save us. This was a surprise for me, but a common thing for the locals. So this too is not that risky.

But other than all these, once, I had stood on the parapet of a 14 floor tall building, my present apartment, to take my son’s kite which got stuck on a plumbing. A wrong step, and that could have been my last act in this life…

Happy Birthday, Son!

Today is my son’s birthday. Its all over now. This time, he invited only a few of his friends. He decided to ditch those who did not play with him. I did not interfere into that affair. It was settled by him and his mom. But at the time (5.15 pm) of cutting the cake, only one boy was there. But son was very happy, coz, that guy was one of his close friends. Another one came only at night, to keep her word. A couple of them ditched.

One reason I think of is the last minute invitation. May be the parents did not get time to buy any gifts. But anyway, he was happy, except for one thing. He wanted to have pizza for dinner, but it ended in rice, which is not his favorite. He told me that he want surprise gift…. He got that… He got some local, national and international phone calls…



Son, I know, one day you will read this…. So, remember that you were very happy on your 10th birthday, though there weren’t many people to attend it….

Dr.Jay's Successful Disappointment !

What do I wanted to become in my life? Yes, my profession…

Forget about childhood days. If there is nobody to guide and we are not exceptional, there might come so many options, as a child…

In this regard, here, in India, we need to have an idea once we clear the 10th grade. And according that one need to choose ones 11th grade then take the entrance exams for higher studies etc.

I wasn’t an outstanding student, though I came within the first 2-3-4 ranks in my class. That just happened because other students weren’t good at studies (There was class strength of 40-50 students). But I was a ‘first class’ student from first grade.

One of my uncles (my dad’s eldest brother) wished to ‘make’ his children (three) a doctor. He had enough money to support the studies. But his daughters did not study well. Since I was the one who successfully came out with first class from the start, he was interested in me. And science was my favorite subject. Sometimes I even scored a 90% in science, not always. This I achieved without exceptional brains or any support from my family, friends or teachers…

Computer science wasn’t a popular thing that time. I haven’t even seen any computer that time. The most common choices for ‘not-bad-at-studies’ students were, Medicine, Engineering, CA/CPA, and Law

So, after tenth, I decided to build my career as a doctor. That uncle said he has got some plans and hence to proceed with my wish. I too was happy. But I did not get the marks I expected for the final exam conducted by that Board. There was this option for going for a re-valuation. But many people discouraged me and told me that I might lose an academic year and hence continue with my studies and study better next time. But I was very much sure that I did not get the marks I deserved. Usually it was me who used to score better marks than my sister, from first grade till 10th grade final exam, but this time, she got better scores!! (one reason could be my bad handwriting)

But I had enough marks to get which course I wanted. So I did not try in many colleges, just put an application in a college where I wanted to study and waited. Yes, finally I was called and thus happily joined for science. In this course, apart from languages, I need to study, Physics, chemistry, Botany and Zoology (which was then called as the II group). But if anyone wants to try engineering as a career, he needs to take the I group where they study Math instead of our biology.

And we, the II group students had the option to study Math as additional subject (study privately and give the exam), since it does not have any labs. So that they can appear for both medicine and engineering entrance exams. Most of my classmates took Math, not me.

I was too much into college politics that time. And till 10th grade, I studied in Malayalam medium, which was my mother tongue and local language. Here from 11th grade, we need to study everything in English. I did not get a shock to see the big text books printed in English coz of two reasons. One, I liked English and two, I have seen these text books three years ago when my sister studied.

Physics was one of my favorite subjects. But I managed to fail in the first test given by my college (hehehe). I bunked classes and attended political meetings. I got involved into college strikes and protests. I did not attend any classes if the professors did not take attendance. And in many cases, I attended counting the attendance so that I will get a minimum. But I hardly attended any English class (English is one of the subjects where most of the failed ones fail since there is drastic difference between the 10th and 11th grade syllabus). But science teachers came out with a rule that if we don’t attend the theory classes, we won’t be allowed in the labs. So, I attended most of the science classes, usually were boring and useless. This happened that way coz, all these lecturers and professors used to give private tuitions at home and they preferred that than teaching at this government college.

But I started working on my physics (physics syllabus also wasn’t continuation of 10th grade but was tough). And I decided to come out with a first class here too.

My family was going through a financial crisis that time. So, there weren’t any money available for Entrance coaching classes (after 12th we need to take an entrance exam to get admission in medical colleges. And most of the students who really wish to pursue their medical studies started attending the entrance exam coaching classes from the start of 11th grade). That wasn’t a big issue since that uncle was there. I was sure that he might help me when I move to 12th grade or when I clear the exam.

Bad luck. That uncle died all of a sudden. (One night he came back , took his shower, and had dinner did his prayers and sat on a chair. And then he did now wake up).

But there goes my medical dream!!!

He had told me his plan. He will help me in the start. Then he will look for a girl from a rich family and then ‘fix’ my marriage with that rich man’s girl (who must be a dump I think…hehehe) in such a way that they will sponsor my studies and once I am of age, I should marry that girl. WOW ! what a brain!. I wasn’t interested in this, but I was sure that he will help me out, someway.

Now I lost all my hope. I did not put any extra effort. I cleared 12th grade and I had enough marks to take the Entrance exam. But that time, our family’s financial condition was such that at the end or the month, there weren’t even a 10 bucks currency in my dad’s wallet. And to add a colorful feather to the hat, I developed some strange eye allergy. Eyes became red and I felt like there is sand inside it. It itched and became watery. Two or three eye docs failed to cure it and it even affected my studies. (Finally, a retired professor doc cured it)

I was very disappointed. De-motivated. Frustrated. I could take the entrance exam next year also, if I wanted. Or even after three years, after finishing my graduation in science (taking either physics, chemistry, botany or zoology as main).

Since I did not see much things happening, I decided to quit science itself. Studying commerce/accounting was the next option to get a job as an accountant etc. And thus for graduation I took commerce as my subject with Accountancy as main. I studied it privately without joining any college. Means, Enroll for the course, just study in whatever way I want, pay the exam fee and take the university exam with other college students.

But I kept on reading science. I took science magazines and books from library. And whenever I visited hospitals (to see somebody), I used to sigh and I got a sort of feeling.

I was not at all interested in these commerce ‘stuffs’. Accountancy looked ‘stupid’ at the start. And the main problem I faced here is, the degree level was the continuation of those commerce and accountancy of the 11th and 12th grade and I never had any idea about what even debit and credit was.

Then I went for tuition for the very basic things and that tutor was hopeless. Since that guy was known to me, I attended the classes as some obligation and I paid fee. (Yes, one need learn to say NO when it is needed). This went for some months and then I stopped his ‘accounting basic’ class, by just stop going. He might have waited for me for many days.

Failed in accountancy in the first year! I wasn’t used to failures. Disappointment again, then regrets for taking this stream for my graduation.

I started giving tuitions for school children to earn my own pocket money. Another reason was, my dad bought me a moped (small scooter like thing) and I put forward a condition that he doesn’t have to give me money for the fuel. (That time, my parents retired from jobs and thus we had enough money (since they were in government service, they had gratuity, provident fund, pension etc).

But the worst thing was politics and social work. It was like a fulltime work. Most of the time I was out doing this and that and I hardly studied anything. Rest of the time I laid up with migraine.

Then during second year, my dad passed away. Thus my responsibility-being the only male member of the family- increased. But his death created some unwanted issues. The death certificate came with wrong spelling. Then it became a mess. Then to get the insurance money, it was another fight. Thus solving those things became my main job during second year. And it took months. But I cleared the exams. During some of the exams, I was suffering from migraine.

During my graduation years, lots of BIG political and social event happened where I was involved. It really took a toll on my studies.

Finally, the final exam came. And I wasn’t prepared at all. I thought I will give the exams next year.

But the problem with me is I like writing exams and writing an exam would give us some practical experience. So I took all the exams and waited for a ‘fail’.

Unfortunately I cleared all the exams, but with indecent marks!!! (Except for accountancy where I got a first class). That was one of the moments in my life- may be the only one- where a success gave me disappointment. So, I thought I will make up all these things when I do my Post Graduation.

Did I? That’s another story…..

If any youngster is reading this, my advice is not to follow my path. Have a dream and work for it. Don’t worry, it will come true…..I will pray for you!!

RIP day with Mom

Mom got admitted to this hospital on 15th ,Sunday. I left from this place on Monday afternoon, by car…..wife was too much worried about me driving all the way to native place, alone, (she had one exam to give) that too with a not-so-good mindset (abt 650 km to hospital and 735 km to my home), and I usually drive very fast.

I felt like calling one of her (wife’s) cousins and within half an hour, he was ready to come with me, since he too wanted to visit somebody at his native place. Our destinations were different, but only a few kilometers away (may be abt 50). Thus 'traveling alone' part was well answered by Him. My ‘lost’ friend came back and was in touch with me, so felt like something which was heavy got melted. Thus, my mind was clearer.

Since I was supposed to give blood, I avoided continuous travel and hence stopped at mid night. Continued next day morning… dropped him on the way and reached hospital by noon/after noon (around 2 pm).

I wasn’t satisfied with the feed backs given by those who were with mom. So, I personally met the doc. He gave me an overall pic.

• She is chronic anemic
• There is internal bleeding which he don’t know why (he had plan to do some other test)
• Her both kidneys are ‘affected’
• Generally, she is very weak
• She was under malnutrition

I told him that I want to shift her from this hospital to my proper native place and he asked me to give him 3 more days for that.

I asked permission to see her (usually they wont allow visitors inside the Intensive Care Unit) and he granted. Even my sister could not see her till that day.

I saw her. From her look, it was very clear and obvious that she wanted to see me. Or was she waiting for me?

I stared at her and I felt like she won’t live longer. I just touched her hand. She said she feel sleepy and want to sleep. She closed her eyes, but I mentally wished her ‘Rest In Peace’. I don’t know why.

She did not die, she woke up next day (ie, 18th July 2007) or that’s what the hospital staff said. They asked my sister to bring tea for her. She brought. Hospital people said she asked for water and they gave.

But then the duty doc called me inside and took me to my mom. (Sister was again unlucky, she could not see her). She was in a different bed which had many equipments around. But she was bleeding from mouth. She vomited blood, better put. She looked unconscious and her pulse was very feeble. I was sure that she won’t survive, but asked the doc, ‘will she survive’? That lady doc, who was very young, was a lil tensed and she shook her head. I told her, ‘Its OK’.

I stood outside with sis and they called once again. This time sister also came with me. But the doc said ‘she left’. Me and my sister, both, did not cry. I went to that body and had a silent communication.

Death is the ultimate truth we can predict with 100% surety. Only thing is we don’t know when and how. But it happens and it finds some reason/reasons. When the soul finds that it can not use this body anymore, it leaves.

Mom, Rest In Peace !